Making it work

I am still getting used to this whole SAHM to two kids thing. I am going to try to portray just exactly how I feel but I'm not a very good writer so we will see how this goes.

I always wanted a lot of kids and I wanted them close in age. Z and I tried for about six months to conceive and I was actually sad when it didn't happen and Layla would turn two before she a sibling. I knew having two so young would be hard but I didn't know how hard. My mom had four all two years apart. Plenty of women have kids even closer together than 22 months apart. Psh. Some people have twins...or quadruplets. If other people can do it, I can too.

I am doing it. The hardest thing, by far, I have experienced yet is when I am nursing at night and Layla wakes up crying and calling for me. Yes, z gets up with her, but my heart still hurts when she calls my name and I can't come. I was excited because Layla was sleeping through the night in her twin bed and she didn't even miss her crib. We were ready for sawyer, and this new addition to our family is going to be oh-so-smooth. Mhm. Riiiight. It was crazy, tiring, mentally and emotionally demanding, but I love it.

I love having the chance to nurse sawyer on demand. I love being able to rock him to sleep even if he will expect it each night. It doesn't matter that sawyer still eats every three hours all day and night because that is one of the things I can do for him by being a SAHM. I love getting to play with Layla past her bedtime because I know I don't have to wake up, get dressed, and leave. I love being a stay at home mom. There are definitely days where it is stressful, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It's exhausting, but it's a privilege.

A chance to just be

After a couple months of getting moved in, giving birth, having two kids with RSV, one in the hospital for RSV, and getting adjusted to dividing my attention between three people I love dearly, I guess it's time for an update.

Life is moving along swimmingly. The past two months in a nutshell are: Sawyer was born on January 31st (three weeks early). After a brief stay in the NICU, we went home on the 3rd. Layla got sick around the 12th of February, and then we moved on the 15th. Shortly after Layla got better, Sawyer got sick. Z stayed with Layla and I took Sawyer to the ER on a Wednesday night. They tested him for RSV, and it was positive, but they sent us home. They told us to keep our appointment for Thursday morning at 8:30. After a couple hours of sleep (and my husband waking me up 15 minutes before I needed to leave to take Sawyer to the doctor), Sawyer and I ventured out to the doctor. They observed his breathing for about an hour and decided it'd be best to admit him for observation. Thankfully, Z's father came to stay with Layla and let us borrow his vehicle so Z could get to class. I took Sawyer to the hospital.

I know none of the reasons Sawyer was in NICU or in the hospital for RSV were life threatening or that serious, but it is never easy seeing your child in the hospital. I was emotionally exhausted. Physically, yes, but emotional exhaustion to me is so much worse. Sawyer wasn't nursing very long because he couldn't breath, so for at least two days, I nursed him every hour. That means sleep was very rare. Z was very helpful and offered to stay with Sawyer over night in the hospital, but it just wasn't something I was willing to do (give up nursing him for some sleep). I missed Layla dearly. My in-laws took her for the weekend just to lighten our load a bit. They actually took her to a track meet in Fort Stockton, so she was even further away from us. My emotions didn't handle that well either, but I was very thankful that my in-laws were there when we needed them!

Sawyer needed oxygen the first night we were there, and after several times of the nurses suctioning him, he was definitely breathing better! I completely broke down when they had to deep suction him. I know it helped greatly, and I know it didn't really bother him that much, but it was just so sad seeing him go through that. Z kept telling me he was going to be fine, and I knew that, but when I'm emotionally exhausted, once I start crying, there's just no stopping it. I cannot remember if we went home on Saturday or Sunday, but either way, we were very happy and ready to go home.

So, with both of the kids well and all of our stuff in our new place, we finally had a chance to just be. I'd be lying if I said we are completely unpacked. It's getting there, and I absolutely love our apartment. We have a rather good sized fenced back yard that Layla really enjoys. We had Layla's second birthday party recently too. Maybe that'll be my next post. :-)

I just kind of wanted to update before I forgot about all of the "fun" we have had in the past few months.