Life as a.....

I am determined to become a good blogger. Okay, maybe "good" is a bad word because I'm pretty sure I won't be good at it, but I'll be good at being consistent. There we go. That sounds good.

It seems like life just goes by and when I think about blogging, it's been a good 3-4 months. Life can change drastically in that short amount of time. I'd like to chronicle our life, its crazy changes, and what's going on in my life apart from being a mother. So. Here goes.

Life as a mother: I stayed home with Layla until she was 27 months. I then started working at a wonderful cloth diaper store here in Lubbock. I started with 8 hours a week and slowly increased to what is now 22 hours a week. 8 hours was perfect, but I am not cut out to be a working mom. I want to be at home with my kids. I feel like if I'm working then I definitely get less quality time with my kids because I'm at work then I spend all my time when I get off work trying to keep the house somewhat together. It's just not a healthy balance for ME (what works for me doesn't work for everyone else!).
                          I am very blessed with a boss who completely understands my feelings about this and is allowing me to cut back to 8 hours. Oh, this excites me. I kind of think I took for granted being home with the kids every day, and now I can definitely make the most of it. (and maybe kick potty training's hiney in the process...)

Life as a wife: Z and I just celebrated our two year anniversary. Two years of completely craziness, but they were absolutely wonderful. In those two years, we have moved four times. We have had degree changes, job changes, a back surgery, a sweet little boy, and more visits to the ER than I would like. Life is great though. I'm very blessed to have such a wonderful husband who really does put my needs/wants above his own. When I told him I wanted to try working part time, he encouraged it. When I told him it was too much, he said he'd pick up the slack. He's pretty great.

Life as a debt assassinator: We are kicking the baby steps in gear this month. Completely funding our emergency fund and knocking out several small debts. My husband has taken and passed his test to sell insurance, so that's going to become a focus. He's very passionate about financial planning, and it's exciting to see him getting started in that field. He's also teaching Financial Peace University at our church for the fall semester, so I'm sure he will be extremely motivated to knock out our debt!

Life as me: I am finally feeling "normal", I think. I'm pretty sure I'm not the only mom who will tell you it's hard not to lose yourself in the life of motherhood. We moved to Lubbock in December and are roughly 10 hours from my family. I really don't like being that far from my family, but I do like living in Lubbock. I've met some great people. I'm helping with MOPS at our church, and that makes me feel like I can contribute something to someone other than my kids. :-) I'm also pretty excited about starting our small group at church.
                   I also now have a sewing space in my room and am about to start knocking out some homemade Christmas presents. Sometimes I'm not sure where I want my sewing stuff to go...If I want to sell it or just use it as gifts. Extra money would be great, but I'm not sure I enjoy it as much as I do when I know I'm making it just because. I know it'd be fun to get stuff on my Etsy account, but we will just see.

I think that's a good update, right? Now I'm going to start working on putting together a schedule for when I cut back hours next week. I think that's the thing that drives me crazy- our lack of a schedule. I need my kids to be in bed by 9. I need them to sleep until no later than 7:30 am. I've never been the type of mom who follows a schedule. As long as they're in bed by 9, great. If they stay up later, they don't flip out because we didn't start their bedtime at the same time as the night before. They're pretty easy going kids, but this staying up past 9 is for the birds.

So, until next time....

It's worth it

Let's be honest. Have you ever had a friend and considered them your "best friend"? But one way or another you figure out that the friendship you see isn't the one they see. It's a completely different friendship, and you're clearly not as close as you thought. I'd say that's the story of my life, but that may be a bit extreme. I do vividly remember laying in my parents' waterbed when I was maybe 11-12 and just crying because I didn't have any close friends. It hurts. It does. When you regularly hang out with the same girls and they talk about all this time they're spending together. I don't know if other people are wired this way, but I am wired so that when they're talking about spending time together, I'm thinking "what is wrong with me that stops them from inviting me?" "Did I do something to make them mad at me?" etc.

It never really changes when you're older either. I'm an adult. I've moved from town to town, and, let me just say, it is hard to make friends. I always feel like I'm intruding on someone else's life. Like they're already settled. They have their friends and I don't really need to interrupt that. But then there's also all that hurt from those agonizing wonderful junior high and high school years (and even college!). One particular experience stands out over all the others. To this day I have not mentioned this particular incident to this person, but it obviously still bothers me if I can remember it (and get bothered) so well.

I was visiting a friend out of town and had made plans to do lunch or dinner with a friend from high school. I got done early, so I called her to let her know I was done and that we could meet whenever. I didn't hear back from her, so I went to Hobby Lobby. While pulling into Hobby Lobby, I see said friend walking in. I call her real quick thinking I'd be funny, but she pulls her phone out of her purse, looks at it, hits a button, and puts it back in her purse. Dagger. to. the. heart. Why? What did I do to her that made her completely bail on me? Who does that? I don't know, but what I have learned is that I NEVER want to be that person. So, if I have ever done anything to make you feel as low as I did that day, I am so sorry!

I say all of this because I have been really convicted lately when it comes to loving others. It is so hard to love people especially when they don't deserve it (in our eyes). Everyone has a hard day. Everyone loses it every once in a while. One thing I have really been working on is how I use my words and my tone. Our words CAN hurt or heal. They can build or destroy. They can comfort or abandon. They can impact someone so much more than we think. If we don't love someone despite their hateful words, despite their rudeness, despite their ability to bail, despite their hate, who will?

I have watched my daughter bring a smile to a grumpy stranger. I have watched her tell a stranger "hi!" and bring an instant smile (sometimes even laughter). Joy is contagious, and I'm quickly learning that sometimes our rudeness/hatred causes others to be rude. If someone is rude to me and I react in a loving/kind way, their attitude seems to change. It is hard, but it is worth it.

He just keeps growing.

My how time flies. I always say I'm going to do better about keeping up with this thing, but I'm not. Obviously. I guess it's a good thing that keeping up with my blog isn't just real high up on my priority list these days. 

Not a whole lot has changed...except for this little boy. 

He just turned 5 months. 

Weight: 19 lbs

Height: 25 inches

New things? He can sit up better each day. 

He is so strong. If we prop him up and get him to hold onto the couch or crib, he will just stand there like a pro. Yes. Like a professional stander. 

He talks up a storm. I think I blame this on trying to keep up with his sister. 

He gives the sweetest kisses and loves to give a good belly laugh. 

Speaking of sisters, let's do an update on Layla Ann. 

She has taken wonderfully to her little brother. It's funny how once she has a little brother, she seems so grown up and I no longer look at her as my baby. Ok. It's not funny, it's sad! 

Here's the stats as of her last appointment (only a couple months ago):

Weight: 31 lbs

Height: 33 inches

She can run (but not without the help of her arms!). She's a fearless climber and loves slides. She's also fearless in the water (she calls it "white")  and is becoming quite independent in it. She practices jumping. She absolutely loves to lay in the floor and "draw" letters. Give her a pen and a notebook, and she's good to go. 

She enjoys and jumps at the chance to take care of Sawyer. It's been a joy to watch her nurture him and to kind of grow into the big sister role. 

We recently took her to her first movie (Monsters U.) and it was a hit. As you can tell in the picture, she was a bit nervous, but she enjoyed it. 

I guess that's the update on the kiddos. I'm in the process of getting them to go to bed by themselves in the room together. (psh. riiiight.) Layla typically goes to bed around 8. It just kind of depends on when she gets tired. Sawyer will go to sleep around 9 or so, but he's so used to falling asleep in his swing that he doesn't fall asleep in his bed. I guess I don't expect it to be easy having two little ones share a room. That's one reason I cannot wait to have a house. 

Making it work

I am still getting used to this whole SAHM to two kids thing. I am going to try to portray just exactly how I feel but I'm not a very good writer so we will see how this goes.

I always wanted a lot of kids and I wanted them close in age. Z and I tried for about six months to conceive and I was actually sad when it didn't happen and Layla would turn two before she a sibling. I knew having two so young would be hard but I didn't know how hard. My mom had four all two years apart. Plenty of women have kids even closer together than 22 months apart. Psh. Some people have twins...or quadruplets. If other people can do it, I can too.

I am doing it. The hardest thing, by far, I have experienced yet is when I am nursing at night and Layla wakes up crying and calling for me. Yes, z gets up with her, but my heart still hurts when she calls my name and I can't come. I was excited because Layla was sleeping through the night in her twin bed and she didn't even miss her crib. We were ready for sawyer, and this new addition to our family is going to be oh-so-smooth. Mhm. Riiiight. It was crazy, tiring, mentally and emotionally demanding, but I love it.

I love having the chance to nurse sawyer on demand. I love being able to rock him to sleep even if he will expect it each night. It doesn't matter that sawyer still eats every three hours all day and night because that is one of the things I can do for him by being a SAHM. I love getting to play with Layla past her bedtime because I know I don't have to wake up, get dressed, and leave. I love being a stay at home mom. There are definitely days where it is stressful, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It's exhausting, but it's a privilege.

A chance to just be

After a couple months of getting moved in, giving birth, having two kids with RSV, one in the hospital for RSV, and getting adjusted to dividing my attention between three people I love dearly, I guess it's time for an update.

Life is moving along swimmingly. The past two months in a nutshell are: Sawyer was born on January 31st (three weeks early). After a brief stay in the NICU, we went home on the 3rd. Layla got sick around the 12th of February, and then we moved on the 15th. Shortly after Layla got better, Sawyer got sick. Z stayed with Layla and I took Sawyer to the ER on a Wednesday night. They tested him for RSV, and it was positive, but they sent us home. They told us to keep our appointment for Thursday morning at 8:30. After a couple hours of sleep (and my husband waking me up 15 minutes before I needed to leave to take Sawyer to the doctor), Sawyer and I ventured out to the doctor. They observed his breathing for about an hour and decided it'd be best to admit him for observation. Thankfully, Z's father came to stay with Layla and let us borrow his vehicle so Z could get to class. I took Sawyer to the hospital.

I know none of the reasons Sawyer was in NICU or in the hospital for RSV were life threatening or that serious, but it is never easy seeing your child in the hospital. I was emotionally exhausted. Physically, yes, but emotional exhaustion to me is so much worse. Sawyer wasn't nursing very long because he couldn't breath, so for at least two days, I nursed him every hour. That means sleep was very rare. Z was very helpful and offered to stay with Sawyer over night in the hospital, but it just wasn't something I was willing to do (give up nursing him for some sleep). I missed Layla dearly. My in-laws took her for the weekend just to lighten our load a bit. They actually took her to a track meet in Fort Stockton, so she was even further away from us. My emotions didn't handle that well either, but I was very thankful that my in-laws were there when we needed them!

Sawyer needed oxygen the first night we were there, and after several times of the nurses suctioning him, he was definitely breathing better! I completely broke down when they had to deep suction him. I know it helped greatly, and I know it didn't really bother him that much, but it was just so sad seeing him go through that. Z kept telling me he was going to be fine, and I knew that, but when I'm emotionally exhausted, once I start crying, there's just no stopping it. I cannot remember if we went home on Saturday or Sunday, but either way, we were very happy and ready to go home.

So, with both of the kids well and all of our stuff in our new place, we finally had a chance to just be. I'd be lying if I said we are completely unpacked. It's getting there, and I absolutely love our apartment. We have a rather good sized fenced back yard that Layla really enjoys. We had Layla's second birthday party recently too. Maybe that'll be my next post. :-)

I just kind of wanted to update before I forgot about all of the "fun" we have had in the past few months.

Best laid plans

We had plans. We were going to pack up our house and move into Lubbock before Sawyer came. We were going to be settled in, and I had plans of stocking the freezer with prepared meals so that was one less thing to do after he came.

I definitely should know by now that our plans are meaningless compared to what God has planned, and I'm so thankful that our plans do not get in the way of His. I had an ultrasound on the 29th to check on Sawyer's weight since I have gestational diabetes. Everything checked out great, and they estimated that he weighed 7 lbs 3 oz. I was nervous! Typically, babies gain 1/2 lb every week for the last month, which would put him just short of 9 pounds. I remember texting my sister-in-law and debating with myself whether or not I wanted to attempt to "naturally" induce labor (I decided not to and that he would come when he was ready) and risk not being moved before his birth.

On Wednesday, I was simply exhausted. I resorted to popping Veggie Tales in and Layla was content to watch that while I dozed off. I just remember having absolutely no energy. Around midnight, I *thought* my water broke, but it wasn't a gush, so I was very unsure. I texted my mom, but she never responded (I later found out that she never got my text...), so then I texted my older sister. She was excited. I had just decided that I would call my doctor in the morning. I didn't see the point in going in if I had no contractions. Well, around 2 am what I now know were in fact contractions started. At first I really just thought they were some intense BH contractions, but around 4 they were VERY regular and getting more painful. One of my mom friends suggested I call labor and delivery, so I did. They told me to come in immediately.

Z called his parents, I called mom, Rachael called, I was texting my sisters, and the 45 minutes between 4 am and 4:45 am are a complete blur. I do remember laying on the bed during a contraction with Layla laying next to me while Z was getting her some clothes. She looked very concerned and started to cry. Little did I know how awesome she would do the rest of the day!

It was 4:49 when we finally got in the car to leave. By this time, my contractions were very close together and extremely painful. It usually takes us an hour to get to Lubbock, but my husband, the safe driver that he is, pretty much drove 90 the whole way. While I'm breathing through contractions, I hear our wonderful daughter in the back seat laughing and singing. :-) Once we got to Lorenzo (about 20 miles from home), I seriously considered having him see if there was a hospital there because I did NOT want to give birth in the car. I now know that the reason the contractions were so horrible is because Mr. Sawyer was crowning, and I needed to push. After making a wrong turn and hanging out at a couple red lights (just until I told Z to just run it!), we got to the hospital at 5:12 am. Z ran in to get a wheel chair, but I was impatient. As soon as he got back to the car, I walked into the labor and delivery area. They took me straight back and checked me to see if I was dilated. Regardless of the pain and urge to push, I still half expected the nurse to say, "oh, honey, you're just at a 2. Go home, take a shower, and you should be fine". So I asked her if I was dilated at all. She shockingly replied, "yeah. you're complete." Bam. That was the moment I knew I was getting the exact birth/delivery that I wanted. I did not want pain meds. I did not want to be induced. I just wanted it to be...perfect. And it was.

Being so early, there was nothing going on at the hospital. I was privileged to have 3 doctors and 5 nurses help and take care of me. One doctor sat by Layla's side talking to her and making sure she didn't flip. Layla sat there through the entire thing, and she was just wonderful. After about three pushes, Sawyer Randal was here. 15 minutes after we got to the hospital, before I had an IV, before I had signed any consent forms. It was perfect. I'm still shocked at how crazy and surreal it was.

Sawyer Randal Leonard

5:38 am

7 lbs 3 oz

19.5 inches

Because of him being 4 weeks early, the fact that I had gestational diabetes, and I tested positive for group b strep, Sawyer's breathing was somewhat difficult. They watched him for a little while, but then they decided he should go to NICU. (this is the part that isn't perfect) He was put on oxygen for the breathing and antibiotics for group b. We knew we would have to wait 2 days to get results of the blood culture regarding the group b, but we didn't know exactly how long he would have to be there.

It was hard. It was lonely sitting in our room and not having a sweet little baby next to me reminding me why I was there. It's a lot easier to physical heal, in my opinion, when you're taking care of your baby instead of someone else having to take care of him. We got to attempt to breastfeed before they took him, but he was so tired and so lethargic that it was unsuccessful. He was put on IV nutrients, but as soon as they thought he was ready, they let me nurse him. The NICU staff was wonderful. I couldn't have asked for better nurses/doctors to take care of him when I couldn't. Sawyer was born Thursday morning, he was off oxygen on Saturday, and we went home on Sunday.

Now we are home. He is perfect. Layla absolutely loves him. Instead of her getting jealous that Sawyer gets a lot of my time, she is jealous that I won't let her hold him all the time. She's a great big sister!